Monday, January 1, 2018

2017- The Year My Body Rebelled and Lessons Learned from it

Since we are the start of a new year, I thought I should take a moment to really self reflect on what was a challenging 2017. It would be ignorant and incredibly self centered for me to think that 2017 was difficult just for me, and I know that is certainly not true. I also know that many have faced adversities far worse than mine, so much so that my world would seem like cupcakes and unicorns to a lot of people. However, I do find some closure and perhaps healing in actually writing down some thoughts from 2017 as well as what I hope to learn from it.

The Struggle is Real          
The title is somewhat misleading since the early stages of rebellion happened around September of 2016. What started as a stress fracture and some tendonitis in my right foot healed up in time to have the exact thing happen in my left foot. I thought surely I could get it all straightened out by the end of February when the weather was warming up enough to make me really want to get outside and run rather than ride or swim indoors. Those first few cautious runs were uneventful, and I thought I was finally on the mend. But wait! Those pesky foot pains kept returning. What was so weird is that they would seem to switch feet every few days. My right foot could hurt tremendously, but then I would wake up to it feeling fine and the left foot hurting. Can you sense my frustration at the total lack of control? If I could count the number of times I found myself crying in the exam room of my Sports Medicine doctor, orthopedic surgeon, foot specialist, neurologist, or any number of other professionals, I don’t think I would want to admit to how many visits I made or how much money I spent trying to fix the problem. It was taking a huge mental and emotional toll and interfering with my overall quality of life.
Unfortunately, I also knew the fact that I was letting a physical injury which sidelined me from running so greatly interfere with my life as a whole said something about my priorities. I will openly admit to letting my identity as a runner and the act of running consume too much of my being. Yes, running is a huge part of my life. Yes, it was difficult to be injured. But, no, I should not let that make me miserable 24/7. Easier said than done. I hated the moody side of me that was present more often, the snapping at people for no good reason, the jealous feeling I had of friends who were still running healthy. I wanted desperately to just be able to run again pain free. If I could just have that, I thought all would be right with the world. Man, was I ever wrong.
I struggled through month after month of trying to force running even when it hurt. I did manage a couple of short streaks when I truly did feel like I was making progress, but they were all short lived, probably because I kept wanting to jump back in to training at full force. Finally, in May after a DNF at Cruel Jewel 100 and the realization that I was not healthy enough go out west for the summer to run as I had the previous 2 years, I committed to not running for at least the month of June to see if that would fix the issue. Nope. I swam my little heart out trying to fill the void that running created, not wanting to admit that I was simply substituting one obsession with another. Sure, running and swimming are both healthy forms of exercise, but it was the all consuming thoughts about swimming/running that still pervaded my brain. Enter challenge #2…
One day while swimming, I noticed that my foot was now bothered by kicking off the wall. And it didn’t matter if I just pushed off the wall with one foot, that was the foot to get irritated. This really sent me to a dark place. I was devastated. Running hurt, biking hurt, and now swimming hurt. I still fought it and tried to do some combination of the three before really laying low. I am a teacher, and once school started back in August, I at least had something to keep me busy and get my mind off my foot. Maybe, just maybe, I started realize that life goes on without running and that it is possible to be happy during these tough times. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a battle, and I still wanted desperately to feel healthy again. I struggled with doubts about ever being able to feel normal or be competitive again. But I also realized that clinging to these thoughts rather than focusing on getting my priorities right actually slowed my healing process, not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.
As winter approached, I really did start to feel better. That is very ironic given how much I hate the cold and typically go through a low patch in the winter when days are shorter. Nevertheless, I decided to give running a try under the condition that I built back up slowly. So naturally I messed that up right away, had a flare up, and hit the reset button for good this time. After a decent November, I hit roadblock #3...My right hip and butt started feeling very tight. I had a torn labrum in my left hip in 2013 which required surgery, so this scared me to death. In the week before Christmas, I frantically scheduled a doctor’s appointment and was able to get an MRI which revealed no structural damage. I was relieved to say the least. I am currently in the middle of physical therapy and a rigorous mobility/stretching routine that had largely been neglected until now. Running feels right again, but I hope now I truly appreciate that we just have this one body. Better treat it good.

So, what now?
            For 2018, my goal is to practice what I know to be true and what I know is best for my long term health. If something hurts, listen. Don’t overdo it. Treat my body as I should nutritionally, physically, and emotionally. For my entire running life, there has been a cognitive dissonance between what I know to be best for healthy running and actually doing all of the things required to give myself the best shot at running when I am 60, 70, 80 years old. Sometimes those things are just a little hard, like stretching regularly, core strengthening, or putting more focus on running nutrition. Sometimes those things are really hard, like decreasing mileage, taking a few rest days, or letting myself eat the damn cake at the Christmas party. But I have to ask myself the question: What do you want? I want to be strong, healthy, and happily running for as long as possible. That is going to require some adjustments and flat out changes in my life. But all things worth doing are supposed to be hard, right? So, in 2018 and everyday after that, I must promise myself to treat this body like it is the only one I have. 

Tentative Race Schedule:

First, I will mention that I want to hit the redo button and try to go back to some of the races that I didn’t do well in over the past few years or that I just missed due to injury in 2017. That being said, I vow never to race if not healthy and not let the focus of running be racing over health.

January 13th: Sewanee Perimeter Trail Showdown (20 miles)
February 24th: Cummins Falls Trail Marathon
March 24th: Oak Mountain 50k
April 27-29th: Grand Viduta Stage Race
June 23rd: crewing/pacing Western States for a friend
July: Tushars 100k (date still TBA)
October 6th: Stump Jump 50k
November 12: Upchuck 50k