Since we are the start
of a new year, I thought I should take a moment to really self reflect on what
was a challenging 2017. It would be ignorant and incredibly self centered for
me to think that 2017 was difficult just for me, and I know that is certainly
not true. I also know that many have faced adversities far worse than mine, so
much so that my world would seem like cupcakes and unicorns to a lot of people.
However, I do find some closure and perhaps healing in actually writing down
some thoughts from 2017 as well as what I hope to learn from it.
The
Struggle is Real
The title is somewhat
misleading since the early stages of rebellion happened around September of
2016. What started as a stress fracture and some tendonitis in my right foot
healed up in time to have the exact thing happen in my left foot. I thought
surely I could get it all straightened out by the end of February when the
weather was warming up enough to make me really want to get outside and run
rather than ride or swim indoors. Those first few cautious runs were
uneventful, and I thought I was finally on the mend. But wait! Those pesky foot
pains kept returning. What was so weird is that they would seem to switch feet
every few days. My right foot could hurt tremendously, but then I would wake up
to it feeling fine and the left foot hurting. Can you sense my frustration at
the total lack of control? If I could count the number of times I found myself
crying in the exam room of my Sports Medicine doctor, orthopedic surgeon, foot
specialist, neurologist, or any number of other professionals, I don’t think I
would want to admit to how many visits I made or how much money I spent trying
to fix the problem. It was taking a huge mental and emotional toll and
interfering with my overall quality of life.
Unfortunately, I also
knew the fact that I was letting a physical injury which sidelined me from
running so greatly interfere with my life as a whole said something about my
priorities. I will openly admit to letting my identity as a runner and the act
of running consume too much of my being. Yes, running is a huge part of my
life. Yes, it was difficult to be injured. But, no, I should not let that make
me miserable 24/7. Easier said than done. I hated the moody side of me that was
present more often, the snapping at people for no good reason, the jealous
feeling I had of friends who were still running healthy. I wanted desperately
to just be able to run again pain free. If I could just have that, I thought
all would be right with the world. Man, was I ever wrong.
I struggled through
month after month of trying to force running even when it hurt. I did manage a
couple of short streaks when I truly did feel like I was making progress, but
they were all short lived, probably because I kept wanting to jump back in to
training at full force. Finally, in May after a DNF at Cruel Jewel 100 and the
realization that I was not healthy enough go out west for the summer to run as
I had the previous 2 years, I committed to not running for at least the month
of June to see if that would fix the issue. Nope. I swam my little heart out
trying to fill the void that running created, not wanting to admit that I was
simply substituting one obsession with another. Sure, running and swimming are
both healthy forms of exercise, but it was the all consuming thoughts about
swimming/running that still pervaded my brain. Enter challenge #2…
One day while swimming,
I noticed that my foot was now bothered by kicking off the wall. And it didn’t
matter if I just pushed off the wall with one foot, that was the foot to get
irritated. This really sent me to a dark place. I was devastated. Running hurt,
biking hurt, and now swimming hurt. I still fought it and tried to do some
combination of the three before really laying low. I am a teacher, and once
school started back in August, I at least had something to keep me busy and get
my mind off my foot. Maybe, just maybe, I started realize that life goes on
without running and that it is possible to be happy during these tough times.
Don’t get me wrong, it was still a battle, and I still wanted desperately to
feel healthy again. I struggled with doubts about ever being able to feel
normal or be competitive again. But I also realized that clinging to these
thoughts rather than focusing on getting my priorities right actually slowed my
healing process, not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.
As winter approached, I
really did start to feel better. That is very ironic given how much I hate the
cold and typically go through a low patch in the winter when days are shorter.
Nevertheless, I decided to give running a try under the condition that I built
back up slowly. So naturally I messed that up right away, had a flare up, and
hit the reset button for good this time. After a decent November, I hit
roadblock #3...My right hip and butt started feeling very tight. I had a torn
labrum in my left hip in 2013 which required surgery, so this scared me to
death. In the week before Christmas, I frantically scheduled a doctor’s
appointment and was able to get an MRI which revealed no structural damage. I
was relieved to say the least. I am currently in the middle of physical therapy
and a rigorous mobility/stretching routine that had largely been neglected
until now. Running feels right again, but I hope now I truly appreciate that we
just have this one body. Better treat it good.
So, what
now?
For
2018, my goal is to practice what I know to be true and what I know is best for
my long term health. If something hurts, listen. Don’t overdo it. Treat my body
as I should nutritionally, physically, and emotionally. For my entire running
life, there has been a cognitive dissonance between what I know to be best for
healthy running and actually doing all of the things required to give myself
the best shot at running when I am 60, 70, 80 years old. Sometimes those things
are just a little hard, like stretching regularly, core strengthening, or
putting more focus on running nutrition. Sometimes those things are really
hard, like decreasing mileage, taking a few rest days, or letting myself eat
the damn cake at the Christmas party. But I have to ask myself the question:
What do you want? I want to be strong, healthy, and happily running for as long
as possible. That is going to require some adjustments and flat out changes in
my life. But all things worth doing are supposed to be hard, right? So, in 2018
and everyday after that, I must promise myself to treat this body like it is
the only one I have.
Tentative
Race Schedule:
First, I will mention that I want to hit the redo
button and try to go back to some of the races that I didn’t do well in over
the past few years or that I just missed due to injury in 2017. That being
said, I vow never to race if not healthy and not let the focus of running be
racing over health.
January 13th: Sewanee Perimeter Trail Showdown
(20 miles)
February 24th: Cummins Falls Trail Marathon
March 24th: Oak Mountain 50k
April 27-29th: Grand Viduta Stage Race
June 23rd: crewing/pacing Western States for a
friend
July: Tushars 100k (date still TBA)
October 6th: Stump Jump 50k
November 12: Upchuck 50k
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